Good Riddance 2009

I was amazed a few moments ago when I realized that my excitement about a new year was so much more - it's a whole new decade! 2009 for me can best be described as blunt force trauma - the most brutal year I can remember. On the heals of a lacking 2008 and 2007 from a professional standpoint, I had no idea that 2009 would bring so much change to my life. The horoscopes were predicting it well in advance, but that had always been "entertainment" to me. I enjoyed the "idea" that life was predictable - the idea that was really a myth.

The year started with the beginning of the end - and I later realized that it was not just then end of my relationship, but so much more. So the first major blow was the realization that the only way for me to adequately convey my desperation about the state of my relationship was to remove my wedding band and return it to my partner of over 15 years, Tom. For me, this was a most desperate act and what I hoped would be a clear message. It was misunderstood and dismissed as drama. A few weeks later my father suffered a massive stroke - his second in a matter of just a few years. After a week of 8 hour days working from Dad's hospital room, I was instructed by the doctor to take my scheduled trip to Las Vegas so I could get my head in the right place to come back to Dallas and inform my family that Dad would not be able to return home, but would have to be transferred to a facility that could deal with his condition. Leaving the hospital on Thursday afternoon, I remember praying that God would take my father. Dad had told me so many times that he never wanted to be in a home. It would have broken my heart to do that - so I set into motion a series of events that would irrevocably change my life. A prayer of benevolence that was answered just a couple of days later. The joy and honor of walking my friend down the aisle was fleeting as my cell phone rang in the early morning hours on Sunday. The hospital had called for the family - Dad had taken a very sudden and unexpected turn for the worse. Within hours, he had passed. My last words to my father were spoken on my cell phone as my brother held his to my father's ear so I could say goodbye. It was by far the most traumatic experience that I can remember. More so because I was NOT there. I have worked in a hospice. I took Dad to many of his doctor's appointments. He trusted me with his infirmity. I would never have conceived that I would not be there when he passed. It was the first of many disturbing surprises that would shape 2009 - and deliver to me a new perspective about using the term "never" and believing that some things are permanent.

I got home to Dallas very late on Monday night after writing my father's eulogy on the plane. It flowed quite naturally from me and I made only simple revisions to the first draft the next morning before delivering it Tuesday evening. The month around Dad's death was more like a day that just kept going on and on and on. Before I realized, it was May and my industry was just as troubled as my personal life. The mortgage and real estate world was melting down as quickly as my relationship and I was struggling with my identity for the first time since my youth. Everything I had been identified with was crumbling faster than I could plaster it back together. I found myself mid 2009 with an abundance of responsibility - of which I had plenty to begin with - and very little income. This was territory that had not been familiar for years. The year progressed and at the end of July my partner informed me that there was no hope of a reconciliation between us. The 15+ years, the relationship that had been my top priority was over. I found myself reeling from the losses and trying to figure out who I was without the things that had defined me for so many years. More immediate was the reality that in addition to all the other things I had on my plate, I had to immediately figure out how to continue my business partnership and familial responsibilities with the man who had been my romantic partner for 15 years, but was now my roommate and business partner. For most people, divorce is very clean and simple. There is some sort of defining event - a clean break - and everything ends. Not so simple for us - and I am glad that we have decided not to take the fast, simple, easy way out. I think our friends and clients are also relieved to know that we have handled our relationship struggles with the same class and decorum as we handle our business and social life. The mud is for others, it is just quite simply beneath us. We value our family and the spirit of our relationship far too much to take the easy way out. Of course, it adds a lot of complicated tasks to the list - the ever growing list.

So I should explain why I have started to recoil before saying "never" and have even almost completely eliminated the phrase "that which does not kill us" from my conversations. As winter approached and I was pretty much certain that it just could not get worse, we lost the mother of our children just before thanksgiving. Ironically, it was the weekend that would have been my father's 85th birthday and I was in the car on the way to Mississippi with my mother when my daughter called to deliver the shocking news. Mom and I had planned a big celebration for my Aunt's 90th birthday. We could not be there for the actual day earlier in the month, so my Aunt asked us to come for what would have been Dad's 85th birthday. We were to place his military grave marker and then have a 90th birthday celebration for my Aunt. What was already a very emotional journey was made more meaningful as I cared for my children via cell phone while they struggled to make sense of the loss of their mother.

By Thanksgiving, I was just numb. We gathered what was left of the family for dinner at our home - it was just another day. We mustered the energy to try an give thanks and then Tom and I went about the task of caring for our two children as we laid their mother to rest that weekend. It was so odd for me to comprehend that our children in their last 20's would lose a parent the same year that I in my 40's would lose one. It was just odd. The death of my Aunt just before Christmas, would surely be the last of it. She was Dad's sister-in-law. Another incredibly important person in the story that is my life. As I prepared to pack Mom up for another trip to Mississippi, I was dealt another blow when the doctor's told us that Tom had Melanoma. The thought of losing him at this juncture - for me and the kids - was just almost more than I could take. Finally, the figures from 2009 revealed that it was my worst from a stand point of production since I started my career over 22 years ago. Brutal is a very fitting term to use to describe the year.

So you can probably see, now, why I titled this post as I did. I pledged not to speak of 2009 again after it was over - and though I have not honored that pledge, it is with this post that I acknowledge those things in 2009 that have shaped my life and leave them to the past. As is so frequently said in re-telling of the Easter story, "It is done." As I let it go - as I release it to the universe - I know that there is a lesson in it and I have grown from it. I know that the person that I am after living it is better prepared for the future. Most importantly, I am now ready to move on and move forward with a new year, a new decade, a new experience.

In bidding my farewell to 2009, there are some things that it has delivered me that I am thankful for:

Tom had surgery to remove the Melanoma and got a completely clear pathology report. So I can continue to build on my friendship with the man who used to be my lover, and I have been able to convince him and our son to reconcile, so our family is different, but better in many ways;

My parents devoted themselves to the rearing of their five children in an extraordinary way. Though I am the baby, the responsibility of my fathers affairs has fallen to me. My mother now depends on me to guide her and care for her in this new era in her life and it is my privilege to have the honor to care for her;

I am thankful that my father called his sister almost every day. My favorite Aunt is now 90 years old and since Dad's death, I call her almost daily. There is so much of her in me and I am so blessed to spend a little time almost everyday chatting with her;

The man who was the love of my life, the father of my children, is now my best friend. We struggle daily with the loss of our relationship, but since July we have had to be there for each other in a very real and different way. We have not had the luxury of being selfish and petty and dragging our relationship through the mud. We have have been forced to be mature, respectful, and unique in our approach to the dissolution of our romantic relationship. We have managed to keep our family together and try to honor the parts of our relationship that we can take forward into our future. This has come as quite the relief to our friends and family and quite the dismay of the community. The iconic relationship that everyone thought would last forever - will - but differently than anyone ever expected it to.

So with my soul relieved of these things I commit them to the memory of 2009. I release them to find a place not so close to me that I must relive them, but not so far away that I will not continue to value the lessons learned along the way.

As I embark on the new decade I am returning to my "core". I remembering the person I am alone and getting familiar with him again. I am embracing my core values and finding a great deal of comfort in the old familiar me, while preparing for the next chapter in my life with great enthusiasm. As I shape Phillip Archer 3.0 I am reminded that "anything worth having comes at a cost" and "to those who much is given, much is expected".